pieces of you.

i lied to you (and
maybe i lied to myself) when
i said that
those were the last words
i would ever write for you.
perhaps i didn’t think you
would be back or
perhaps i didn’t think i would
take you back, but
either way you have
come and gone again and
all tear-stained promises and
angry ultimatums aside
these words must spill from
this dilapidated soul so
the orphan-pilgrim can be free.
i am trying in so many ways to
be enough for you
can’t you see how much
i am trying?
can’t you breathe over me as
i am dying?
the poisoned air of this
love unrequited
the unpoised fare of this
woman plighted
when all i ever wanted was
you, my love,
all i ever wanted was you.
yet i am always
abbreviated
punctuated
depreciated and
hesitated
deeply bracing for you to
let go and let go
because that is what you do
my love
make a show of
my soul
it’s what they always do
i know that this is
not me this time
not my fault
not my deficit of enough and
not my superfluous love
it is you (my love)
your magic and brilliance and
strength and courage and
depth and complexity and
breadth and simplicity
all wrapped up in
a fifteen year-old boy that
is trapped in the brawny
muscle and bone and body of
a man who misses his father
where did you leave and
why did you go?
was i not good enough?
i just need to know
worth the time
worth the trouble
worth the work
worth the words
worth the truth
worth the peace
worth the pieces of you
why?
you call into the dark in
the midnight hours, and
so i ask the same of your
withholden powers
why?
how can i be so
torn apart?
loving you so
honestly and
holding my heart
together, waiting for
the bottom to fall out
always waiting for
the bottom to fall out
because you will let go of me
(my love) you always let go
why?
​