fall is coming.

i smell her in the soil and
i catch her song in the rustling of
the morning leaves.

she is such a brave mother-fucker as
she releases the leaves that have expired and
asks no questions of what she
did wrong or why she
wasn’t enough to
keep them
alive.
​
as greens turn to crimson and
goldenrod, perhaps my heart will
turn from fire to embers and maybe
i will learn from sister autumn to
let go of you.

you said that
i am in love with you, that
you can see it in my eyes, but
i don’t even know anymore.
maybe it was the smell of
that balminess you
rub into your beard or
maybe it was the
serendipity of knowing
you were near or maybe
it was just the alcohol that
quiets all my fears and
convinces me that
dark can be light and
i can trust the night and
maybe that’s what you
saw in my eyes.
i have said that
i love the way our
brokenness dances together, but
your brokenness treats me
like shit, and
my brokenness lets you, so
perhaps the familiarity of
pain and commiseration is
actually the antithesis of
healing, the opposite of
home.
you said that
i am beautiful, that
you can see it across my life, but
do you love me beneath
my skin?
you are ambiguous and
hesitant and the words that
mean the most are mumbled under
cowardly breaths with
eyes averted.
there are many things that
i feel for you, but
the question is truly
what do you feel for me?
i was told that men show
their intentions and their heart with
their behavior and not
their words, and when
i view the youandme through
that lens, how
you feel (or who
you are) is quite clear
because you know how to
unshutter the windows of
my soul, but the truth doesn’t
stutter when you turn and
let go, you
always let go of
me.
you said that
i only love you when
you are walking away, but
how will you ever know if
you don’t ever stay?
maybe the truest question is
why do i keep showing up?
you are the antidote to
my ancient sadness (though
quick-acting, but
not long-lasting) and
your accolades drip
like honey off your tongue
onto my soul, you are like
heroin in my blood that
lifts me above
the tangled briars of
childhood and beyond the
wreckage of failed
fathers and husbands; i know
you are no savior and
no god, but god damnit
i love taking hits off of
your moonlit skin, despite the
emotional hangover that
awaits me when i wake up in
the forever of
lonely tomorrows.
so maybe it’s not love, and
maybe the magic between us is
better called addiction and
maybe the problem
(after all) is
me.
fuck.

i lied to you (and
maybe i lied to myself) when
i said that
those were the last words
i would ever write for you.
perhaps i didn’t think you
would be back or
perhaps i didn’t think i would
take you back, but
either way you have
come and gone again and
all tear-stained promises and
angry ultimatums aside
these words must spill from
this dilapidated soul so
the orphan-pilgrim can be free.
i am trying in so many ways to
be enough for you
can’t you see how much
i am trying?
can’t you breathe over me as
i am dying?
the poisoned air of this
love unrequited
the unpoised fare of this
woman plighted
when all i ever wanted was
you, my love,
all i ever wanted was you.
yet i am always
abbreviated
punctuated
depreciated and
hesitated
deeply bracing for you to
let go and let go
because that is what you do
my love
make a show of
my soul
it’s what they always do
i know that this is
not me this time
not my fault
not my deficit of enough and
not my superfluous love
it is you (my love)
your magic and brilliance and
strength and courage and
depth and complexity and
breadth and simplicity
all wrapped up in
a fifteen year-old boy that
is trapped in the brawny
muscle and bone and body of
a man who misses his father
where did you leave and
why did you go?
was i not good enough?
i just need to know
worth the time
worth the trouble
worth the work
worth the words
worth the truth
worth the peace
worth the pieces of you
why?
you call into the dark in
the midnight hours, and
so i ask the same of your
withholden powers
why?
how can i be so
torn apart?
loving you so
honestly and
holding my heart
together, waiting for
the bottom to fall out
always waiting for
the bottom to fall out
because you will let go of me
(my love) you always let go
why?
​